How I Met the Spartans

So this friend of mine dared me to see Meet the Spartans with him. I politely told him "no" and "don't ever speak to me again". Somehow, with the promise of wine coolers and fresh produce, he convinced me to go. He paid.

So we go to the theater, and he purchases the tickets. He's serious about this. Not entirely serious, mind you; he believes it'll be so bad that we'll laugh at how bad it is- a truly ironic moviegoing experience. This of course lowers my defenses; I'm a big fan of ironic movie experiences. The thought of laughing not only at how stupid the movie is, but at the audience as well, was tempting.

My friend is odd. I thought I should mention that. We had an hour to kill, so we went to the supermarket two doors down. He suddenly tells me that we're going to have steak when we get back. He disappears into the aisles, and I run into him ten minutes later. His cart is completely full of food, utensils, frying pans and cookie sheets. He says to me, "Look, I'm shopping! Isn't that cool?"

Upon seeing my confused expression, he puts everything back but two bags of fresh produce. I told him we should get something cool to eat, but he couldn't put the produce back now that he'd bagged it. Produce it was.

When we re-entered the multiplex, my friend suddenly got really worried: we hadn't washed the vegetables. Having recently adopted the motto "No blood for soil", I agreed it was imperative these freshly picked gems be rinsed immediately. So we washed them, and cleared the leaves off, all in the public bathroom of the multiplex. Many people stared. People started to talk with one another. The choice was drawing near: stop picking and washing the produce, or get tossed out by security.

So, when we got into the theater, only four of seven carrots were properly prepared. Had it not been for the carrots, I may have killed myself during the movie. The ironic experience took an ironic turn when it suddenly became very brutally unironic. Meet the Spartans was a movie made not just for a certain generation, but for a certain week. Every joke was based on a recent forgettable entertainment news story. It was a YouTube video made by 4Chan regulars who wished to remain anonymous and pass their work off to a studio. I never thanked my friend for buying me the ticket, and I never will. It is the only movie I've ever seen that I would like to unsee.

He ate the rest of the produce later that night.