Prison Break... What?

Prison Break used to be good. At first, it was a show about people breaking out of prison. Then, it was a show about how they escape the authorities once on the outside.

Then it was... whatever it was. Sona. Bullshit. What the hell? The lead character is thrown in a Panamanian prison to break out a political prisoner. So now it's like Quantum Leap, except instead of traveling through time to fix events that went wrong, he travels to prisons to break out? Why stop at once a season? Why not once an episode? Why not have a three-prison mega episode? He gets to break out of prison, only to find that it was a prison within a prison! Then he breaks out of that, because he's so damn clever, but lo! it was actually a prison within a prison within a prison! And the big twist, the big jaw-dropping moment is the revelation that the entire world is a prison! So he breaks out with a rocket ship, and then finds that the solar system is a prison and the sun god Ra is the warden.

Wait a minute, they've seen the light and decided not to go with that format. Evidence of higher brain function? No. The new format is: JLA. That's right, fuckers, the Justice League of America. The League of Extraordinary Prison Breakers. 20,000 Leagues Under a Prison. Break. A Prison Break League of Their Own. Are you crying? There's no crying in prison! Breaking!

Our lovable band of misfits are challenging the kids over at the rich camp to an all-out decathalon. It's 24, with characters who once broke out of prison. Some of them. Alright, so it goes like this, for all of you eager viewers who want to catch up before the Season 4 premiere on September 1st: there are a bunch of people, some of whom broke out of prison a long time ago. Other than that, you needn't expect prison or breakage of any kind, nor anything related to it. That's sad because I was complaining about the how retardedly literal the third season was. Now it's not literal at all. Wonderful.

The second season was great in its own way, and they originally wanted to call it Manhunt, because they knew it was about people on the run after a prison break. That's awesome. It still worked because it was still about the prison break; the job was only half-done. Season 4 is a few of those people going after a giant government-funded company and bringing justice to the free world. So it can be retitled Prison Break: Asinine.

Let's look back to the good old days, and my own predictions for Season 3 that never came true:


Wasted opportunities. Only Fox could fuck up a show that was already ridiculous but skated the line so well that it was insanely great. Only Fox could fuck up a show with Peter Stormare in the main cast.

Time to play Family Feud on the NES.