Shark Week - Movie Pitches

It's Shark Week, and it's time for the movie studios to hear my shark pitches once and for all. These are compiled from years of painstaking brainstorming, and I hope someone important is reading.


Sharkira
The fishermen don't speak of it, but everyone knows its name. When an FBI agent arrives in town to investigate suspected maritime cannibalism, the legend of the mermaid rises to the surface. Out there, in the deep blue, lives the terrifying, seductive, lustful half-shark/half-temptress known as Sharkira. For centuries she has lured men into her cave, using her amphibious nature to stay hidden until the timing is right. As the men are each inevitably seduced by her heavenly charms, she devours them... and our hero is next on the menu. The titular character would obviously be played by Latin pop sensation Shakira.

Controversial photo of "Sharkira"

Loan Shark
The mob has a tradition of feeding its delinquent debtors to a bloodthirsty shark kept in the boss' lair. But after decades of a people-only menu, this toothy monster has begun to absorb bits of human intellect. Now it's up to Detective John Longhorn and criminal psychologist Dr. Gabby Faun to stop this evil creature... before it takes out a loan on them!


Shark! The Herald Angel Sings
It's Christmas at Montauk Point, which means families gather for the new 'Fairy Tales on Ice' show. But something is waiting underneath the frozen water... something dark and ancient that once ruled the Ice Age. After millions of years, its time has come once again- and this Christmas, there's no escaping the ice. This should star Farah Fawcett.


Angler
An icthyologist travels to a remote region to audit a company attempting to domesticate anglerfish for deep-sea navigation. Using the bright escas, the researchers hope to use the carnivores as underwater beasts of burden... but nature, it seems, has its own plans. Now it's up to the doctor to stop the genetically altered killers from populating the waters- but is it too late?


Angler 2: Anglerer
Yes, it was too late. A year later, a group of college students come across a murderous sea creature while on spring break. A research team is dispatched, and when they discover that the monster is in fact offspring of the AnglerHelp project, they have to deal with junior... and wait to see if mommy has gotten any bigger. This should star John Stamos.


Sharkira vs. Loan Shark
It's crossover terror when the super-intelligent, ruthless shark meets his match: Sharkira (Latin pop sensation Shakira), the love diva who devours men by hiding her half-shark nature. Who will prove to be king- or queen- of the water... and what will happen to the scientists and fishermen who get in their way? This should star Julia Louis-Dreyfuss.


That's what I have for now, movie executives. If you wish to reach me, see the contact info in the right-hand navigation. I am available for pitch meetings immediately.

Hottest shark bite pic ever