Some More Questions About Lost

The show has been getting better in terms of quality, becoming more emotional and character-driven- focusing more on what's happening by the moment and how each character reacts. I congratulate the producers for this change. Clearly, someone spiked their drinks with Ritalin, and it worked. They now possess the mental focus of Bobby in that episode of King of the Hill where they try to subdue the symptoms of his ADD.

What disappoints me is how the writers are still seemingly obsessed with creating plot holes. Obsessed.

It was between this and a similar one with a naked man. Sorry, ladies

There is no cure for this addiction- only therapy they refuse to undergo. Here are some recent examples we can add to the Unsolvable Mysteries pile, numbered in a way that would make Buzz from Home Alone proud:

A) Jack, Juliet, Miles, Jin and Faraday are all living it up in the Hotel Dharmafornia, except the year is 1977. How crazy is that? If they catch the next submarine back to the States, they can attend the premiere of Star Wars and shout "Obi-Wan dies at the end, and Vader is Luke's baby-daddy! Bam!" Who wouldn't give up everything for a chance to do that?

Unfortunately, that is not the plot hole, although you could make a strong case for it. The plot hole is that, from 1974 to 1977, the redneck, the girl who's voice sounds like a spaceship's computer, the two Asians and bearded Dilbert never noticed a kid living next door who's name is Benjamin Linus. Maybe all their Journeymanning through island history dampened their powers of deductive reasoning? Hmm, that is an interesting explanation to consider, but with one major flaw: even if they know the kid's name is Ben, but never bothered to ask his last name or figure out his age, and even if Danny, Miles and Jules all forgot that Ben lived on the island his entire life... Ben has a father, whose name is Roger Linus. Maybe they don't know that? Well, Sawyer is head of security at Kingston Falls; how likely is it that he doesn't know the drunkard maintenance worker who throws glass bottles and likely beats his 10-year-old son? Yeah.

The writers seem to be implying that Ben isn't there. He's what, ten or eleven when he arrives on the island? Maybe he wasn't born in the early sixties, as has been widely accepted by the fan community since episode 3x20. Maybe he shows up exactly when Sawyer and the Gang depart the comfort of Mayberry- let's say that's late 1977 or early 1978. That means that Ben was born in the late sixties, and isn't even forty yet when Oceanic 815 crashes on the island. Keep in mind that Michael Emerson, who plays Ben, was born in 1954.

Either that or Lil' Ben was in high school.

He's 15. And he was totally captain of the football team. He has like, six girlfriends. He doesn't call them.

2) Some more Richard problems. Actually, the same ones. We are now within a few years of the time when Ben first meets Richard. It is in this meeting that Richard is dressed as Robinson Crusoe, even though he's still Johnny McButtondown when he diplomatically approaches Horace. The other contradiction between the two scenes is that there seems to be an implication in the former that the Hostiles are a shadowy bunch who live in the woods and don't show their faces. In the latter scene, the implication is reversed. They are not shadowy at all, have no problem meeting face to face, and clearly don't live in the woods.

Also, although I'm glad that Sawyer referred to Sergeant Sephora by his defining characteristic, why did this not raise any eyebrows from his pot dealer- er, I mean, Horace? Maybe in ordinary circumstances Sawyer's obvious familiarity with Mr. Maybelline could be ignored, but remember that this happened while Horace was accusing Sawyer of being a Hostile. If, during your interrogation with someone you think is a Hostile, they describe with astounding accuracy the Hostile leader's quirky, androgynous tendency to wear eyeliner, what do you do? Send the person out for a talk with the Hostile leader, or keep him under close guard until the situation blows over? Horace, in his infinite wisdom, decides to do the former. Maybe this complete idiocy is simply a character trait... after all, aren't all lead mathematicians on remote science bases notorious for their lack of deduction skills?

Fired from the Dharma Intiative after granting "Mickey Mouse" (alias) and "Jerry Lewis" (alias) access to the nuclear testing site

D) Why has Juliet been Journeymanning with the rest of the crew? We know that most of the Others weren't born on the island, so really they're very much like Juliet. When she defected to the survivors' camp, did they cancel her membership or something? Was not bouncing around in time a job perk they never told her about?

Juliet: "I don't want to do the Time Warp anymore. Please, make it stop."

Richard: "You should have thought of that before you walked out on us. I can give you a letter of recommendation, but that's as far as it goes."

While on the subject of the others, allow me to re-ask my favorite question: where are the survivors of Oceanic 815? Firstly, where are Rose, Bernard, and the other two or three redshirts lucky enough not to have been killed by flaming arrows or wired explosives (come on, give these guys a break, they've been through the same shit everyone else has)? In three years, Sawyer and Co. don't receive a visit, or even a card, from the island's favorite interracial couple? What have they been doing? If your answer is "Building an army!", I hope you're right. I hope to god you're right.

Secondly, where are the 15 or so tail section survivors? They were indoctrinated, likely Clockwork-Oranged in Theater 23, and then some of them were seen as extras in the Others' camps from that point on. It would be cool if we find out that Sayid, Jin and Bernard blew a few of them up during the Beach Camp Battle in the Season 3 finale. Something to think about, right? Well, even so, the ones with speaking roles have no reason to be dead, unless they all caught pneumonia or something. This mouthy bunch is the trio of Cindy the flight attendant and the two little kids that follow her around. I would like to know where they are, because they haven't been seen since their school field trip to the zoo in episode 3x09. Knowing they can't feed the animals, Cindycakes instead tried to talk with Jack. After a few minutes of nothing but pure Jackface, they departed. That was Season 3. This is Season 5. Everyone talks about the survivors of Oceanic 815 only being a small bunch now, but no one considers the fact that there are about 15 of them still dicking about in the limbo of dropped plotlines.

"Raaawwwwrrrr!"

On the subject of redshirt genocide, here's something interesting to consider: Locke and Ben convince some of the Oceanic 6 to come back, their main argument being that they need to help those they left behind.

Here's what I would have said:

Me: "Those we left behind? Oh yeah? Like who?"

Locke: "Like Sawyer, and um... you know, everyone."

Me: "Uh huh. Keep going. Who else?"

Locke: "I said Sawyer, right?"

Me: "Yep. Who else?"

Locke: "Well, um, you know, there's Juliet."

Me: "Wasn't she there by her own will years before we got there?"

Locke: "Well yeah, but you should still save her. I mean, she's not a survivor of the crash, but-"

Me: "How many crash survivors are left for us to help there?"

Locke: "Okay, so it's just Sawyer! You happy? I was gonna say Daniel and Miles, but then you would have been like-"

Me: "Like, who are those guys, and why do I care?"

Locke: "Exactly. Listen, just come back to the island. It's not the same without you. Everyone there is really lame compared to you guys."

Me: "Sorry buddy, no dice."


Okay, so Locke enacted the don't-ask-don't-tell policy in regards to everyone being dead already. He always was a sly devil. Good for him. But still, what are they going to think when they get there?

In conclusion, I have dreams where I am Sawyer, but better-looking, and I wake up naked next to Juliet, who is also naked. These are good dreams.

This is from another movie, but so what? She gets nekkid. And then she has a lesbian scene with Angelina Jolie through a chain-link fence. Half of you think I'm making this up. The other half know all too well that I am not.