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... but with a bitchin' title sequence. Same romance novel/daytime television bullshit that tricks you every time you watch the opening credits. I dare you to watch a few episodes and not feel a burning desire to steal the credit sequence and tack it on to a much better show.Hint: it's not really about Southern vampires, nor is it about anything else that seems to make it unique. It is about a bitchy, virginal, condescending "ordinary girl" who falls in love with a century-old, pale, mysterious vampire who has all the complexity of a package of Ramen noodles. And it's obviously true love because he's really strong and can move really fast and is constantly on the verge of killing people. The complications of their relationship are blamed on the "racism" of the community, and not on the fact that they have absolutely nothing in common, and have never actually gotten to know each other.
Vampires have "come out of the coffin" (I admit, that's adorably witty... or wittily adorable, at least). Those clever Japanese have created synthetic blood, called Tru Blood, that is nearly identical to the real thing. Vampires are now fighting for the VRA (Vampire Rights Amendment). Yep. Still, the absurdity of it is oddly intriguing. Unfortunately, it's downhill from there. They have televised political debates, but instead of politicians, statesmen or scientists, they debate exclusively with religious zealots. Because apparently Democrats and Republicans alike are okay with blindly giving unconditional amnesty to mass murderers who have lived for centuries off the blood of humans. On the show, if you're against vampire rights, you're a racist. You are thereby a villain. Obviously. The hero of the story walks into her vampire boyfriend's house and witnesses two murders being committed. Three vampires are murdering two humans. She ignores them, because hey, that's what vampires do, right? The next day, she tells everyone how completely ignorant they are for thinking that vampires are murderers. Apparently, the VRA includes an amendment where all vampires are allowed to kill people whenever they want. Cool.
As further proof of their devotion to this cause, the lead vampire character physically assaults a highway patrol officer and attempts to eat him... because he shined his light in the car. No, I'm not joking. His use of flashlight was rude. So he should be exsanguinated. That's what law-abiding citizens do, right? Frankly, I can't wait for the amendment to finally get passed. All the characters rave about how much freedom it gives vampires, but as far as I can tell, the only thing it will really do is make it legal for a police officer to arrest someone who steals their gun and tries to kill them with it. Baby steps, here. Baby steps.
The lead character, Sookie Stackhouse (another so-bad-it's-awesome that doesn't matter because the rest of the show is so bad it's bad) is the aforementioned self-involved goody-two-shoes who believes that she is better than everyone else. She can read people's minds. So far, this hasn't been explained. I'm told it will be later. This supernatural ability is the subject of an innumerable amount of tantrums and excuses for Sookie to whine about how stupid everyone in the world is. They justify this, of course, by making it so that every person in the world thinks almost exclusively with an inner monologue, and that inner monologue is almost exclusively devoted to sex. Because every guy in the world, no matter how young or old, thinks only one thing when they see her: "Man, I'd love to stick my big juicy sausage in her tight-ass hamburger buns, mmm-hmmm." No, seriously. Every. Single. Guy. They all have an incredible gift for food-based innuendos, so much that you have to wonder if there's a guy teaching it at a night school nearby. No one dares to think "Man, she's hot" or even "Wow, look at 'em titties! Woohoo! I'd like to bang her!" No. It's always something even cruder and less credible. It's the kind of thing that someone would write about if their knowledge of male thought was based entirely on teen-movie antagonists.
There's a bit more vampire mythology here than in Twilight, though, which is a plus. The books are, as I've been told, glorified throwaway romance rags written by a mild-mannered, middle-aged woman. Okay, so they have that in common. Charlaine Harris, however, seems to know a thing or two about vampires- unlike Stephanie Meyer, who is a Mormon and thus not allowed to watch rated-R movies. Again, I'm not making this up. Stephanie Meyer once watched a few minutes of The Lost Boys and then turned it off, because it was offensive. She then watched a few minutes of Interview with the Vampire and did the same thing. Naked men playing the saxophone, Rob Lowe posters on the wall, plus Corey Haim, followed by Brad Pitt, Antonio Banderas and Tom Cruise having sexual intercourse with one another for two long hours... I feel like if she had stayed and finished both movies, she might have thought twice about writing the absolute gayest series of vampire novels ever conceived.
Vampires have "come out of the coffin" (I admit, that's adorably witty... or wittily adorable, at least). Those clever Japanese have created synthetic blood, called Tru Blood, that is nearly identical to the real thing. Vampires are now fighting for the VRA (Vampire Rights Amendment). Yep. Still, the absurdity of it is oddly intriguing. Unfortunately, it's downhill from there. They have televised political debates, but instead of politicians, statesmen or scientists, they debate exclusively with religious zealots. Because apparently Democrats and Republicans alike are okay with blindly giving unconditional amnesty to mass murderers who have lived for centuries off the blood of humans. On the show, if you're against vampire rights, you're a racist. You are thereby a villain. Obviously. The hero of the story walks into her vampire boyfriend's house and witnesses two murders being committed. Three vampires are murdering two humans. She ignores them, because hey, that's what vampires do, right? The next day, she tells everyone how completely ignorant they are for thinking that vampires are murderers. Apparently, the VRA includes an amendment where all vampires are allowed to kill people whenever they want. Cool.
As further proof of their devotion to this cause, the lead vampire character physically assaults a highway patrol officer and attempts to eat him... because he shined his light in the car. No, I'm not joking. His use of flashlight was rude. So he should be exsanguinated. That's what law-abiding citizens do, right? Frankly, I can't wait for the amendment to finally get passed. All the characters rave about how much freedom it gives vampires, but as far as I can tell, the only thing it will really do is make it legal for a police officer to arrest someone who steals their gun and tries to kill them with it. Baby steps, here. Baby steps.
The lead character, Sookie Stackhouse (another so-bad-it's-awesome that doesn't matter because the rest of the show is so bad it's bad) is the aforementioned self-involved goody-two-shoes who believes that she is better than everyone else. She can read people's minds. So far, this hasn't been explained. I'm told it will be later. This supernatural ability is the subject of an innumerable amount of tantrums and excuses for Sookie to whine about how stupid everyone in the world is. They justify this, of course, by making it so that every person in the world thinks almost exclusively with an inner monologue, and that inner monologue is almost exclusively devoted to sex. Because every guy in the world, no matter how young or old, thinks only one thing when they see her: "Man, I'd love to stick my big juicy sausage in her tight-ass hamburger buns, mmm-hmmm." No, seriously. Every. Single. Guy. They all have an incredible gift for food-based innuendos, so much that you have to wonder if there's a guy teaching it at a night school nearby. No one dares to think "Man, she's hot" or even "Wow, look at 'em titties! Woohoo! I'd like to bang her!" No. It's always something even cruder and less credible. It's the kind of thing that someone would write about if their knowledge of male thought was based entirely on teen-movie antagonists.
There's a bit more vampire mythology here than in Twilight, though, which is a plus. The books are, as I've been told, glorified throwaway romance rags written by a mild-mannered, middle-aged woman. Okay, so they have that in common. Charlaine Harris, however, seems to know a thing or two about vampires- unlike Stephanie Meyer, who is a Mormon and thus not allowed to watch rated-R movies. Again, I'm not making this up. Stephanie Meyer once watched a few minutes of The Lost Boys and then turned it off, because it was offensive. She then watched a few minutes of Interview with the Vampire and did the same thing. Naked men playing the saxophone, Rob Lowe posters on the wall, plus Corey Haim, followed by Brad Pitt, Antonio Banderas and Tom Cruise having sexual intercourse with one another for two long hours... I feel like if she had stayed and finished both movies, she might have thought twice about writing the absolute gayest series of vampire novels ever conceived.
Like this, only gayer, and not about gay people.But back to True Blood! True Blood is the first show I've ever watched in which I've completely, unequivocally sided with the antagonists in nearly every single conflict. I try to convince myself that this intentional, and underhandedly brilliant. This moment of appreciation disappears quickly, when I realize how unintentional and not brilliant it all is. Sookie constantly whines about how she wishes she couldn't read minds, and then judges every single person she meets based on a single line of inner monologue. You'd think that, after twenty years or so of dealing with this, she'd have learned to be a bit more- well, open-minded. People can't help what their thoughts are, and they certainly shouldn't be judged by them. It's what people say and do that defines them. I mean, fuck, Dick York figured that one out back in 1961, and he only had twenty minutes of screen time to do it in. If a person constantly thinks in nothing but bar-food-inspired sexual innuendos, yet is polite and even chivalrous in his words and actions, isn't that more deserving of a commendation than someone who doesn't have to wrestle with their own thoughts?
Apparently not. She constantly yells at people for what they think, and you, the viewer, are expected to side with her. I never have. Not once. This happens at least three times an episode. "Fuck you!" I say aloud, in defense of the poor customers of the bar she works at. "Thought is the last freedom people have, you self-involved, do-goody wench! Get out of their heads and be happy that they treat you politely when they do!"
In one episode, she uses her ability to inform a pack of vampires that a human in their midst is trying to kill them in retribution for the murder of his brother. They thank her for the heads-up, and kill the human. She shows no remorse for this. In fact, she seems almost proud of it. She really believes that the guy was an anti-vampire racist with delusions that vampires are somehow these ruthless killers the media makes them out to be. Psh. Maybe that pack of vampires that is now ruthlessly killing him will illustrate just how wrong he was. The very next episode, she informs a vampire club owner that there's an undercover cop on the dance floor, waiting for backup so he can save the life of a middle-aged man who's being eaten to death in the bathroom. The cop is presented as the bad guy- not that he's the antagonist of the situation, but that you the viewer are completely overwhelmed with characters explaining exactly why people like him are so horrible.
Apparently not. She constantly yells at people for what they think, and you, the viewer, are expected to side with her. I never have. Not once. This happens at least three times an episode. "Fuck you!" I say aloud, in defense of the poor customers of the bar she works at. "Thought is the last freedom people have, you self-involved, do-goody wench! Get out of their heads and be happy that they treat you politely when they do!"
In one episode, she uses her ability to inform a pack of vampires that a human in their midst is trying to kill them in retribution for the murder of his brother. They thank her for the heads-up, and kill the human. She shows no remorse for this. In fact, she seems almost proud of it. She really believes that the guy was an anti-vampire racist with delusions that vampires are somehow these ruthless killers the media makes them out to be. Psh. Maybe that pack of vampires that is now ruthlessly killing him will illustrate just how wrong he was. The very next episode, she informs a vampire club owner that there's an undercover cop on the dance floor, waiting for backup so he can save the life of a middle-aged man who's being eaten to death in the bathroom. The cop is presented as the bad guy- not that he's the antagonist of the situation, but that you the viewer are completely overwhelmed with characters explaining exactly why people like him are so horrible.
Bastard! Obviously someone didn't vote for the Engulfing Flame Rights Amendment.Like Twilight, True Blood can be unintentionally brilliant, even poignant at times. In Twilight, this is accomplished by Meyer's astounding ability to point out every mistake teenage girls make when falling for the wrong guy. Of course, they're not presented as mistakes, and the end moral is that this what all girls should aspire to do. In True Blood, moral ambiguity is sacrificed in favor of questionable, heavy-handed, and ultimately sloppy ideologies.
It's not just Sookie, but anyone who is the protagonist of any scene. It happens even when the person who is supposedly in the wrong was, in the last scene, supposedly in the right. You will end up sympathizing and agreeing with Sookie, but only when the show doesn't want you to. It is just an endless fucking series of feeling and doing the exact opposite of what the show wants you to do.
It's also boring. I try to rarely use the word "boring" when reviewing a movie or TV show, because so many slow-paced masterpieces are mislabeled as boring simply because people do not have the patience to enjoy them. True Blood is not in that category. It is too boring more often than it should be. You will wait for someone to die, or anything at all to happen, and most of what you'll get is interminable cardboard love dialog for the main characters, and shipper fodder for the supporting ones. I don't care who hooks up with who, or how mesmerizing and beautiful love can be when it's unearned, untested, and ill-advised. I care about a good story being told- something which has not yet been accomplished on this show.
However, if you can ignore all that, and mentally edit out the excruciatingly banal soap opera scenes, True Blood can almost be a somewhat enjoyable show. It's a lot to ask of the audience, however, for such a tiny reward. The viewers should not groan loudly every time the male lead is shown on camera. This is basic stuff here. But several performances- namely Ryan Kwanten as Sookie's sex-addicted, vampire-hating brother, William Sanderson as the level-headed small-town sheriff, and Chris Bauer as the unsung detective trying to piece together a string of murders- almost make the repetitiveness and staleness of the leads worth your time. Almost. Anna Paquin is a talented young actress, and her portrayal of Sookie is dead-on. It's just a shame that the character is written to be so obnoxious and unappealing. Stephen Moyer, on the other hand, looks like he's melting most of the time. Or he's really, really tired. That may also be the writing. He could be an incredible actor, but you wouldn't know, because the character is written and seemingly directed to have the emotional and physical range of a cheap breath mint. Still, I recommend watching at least the first episode before rejecting it entirely. Clearly, there are a lot of people who can't get enough of it, because it's the top-selling TV box set right now. Of course it is.
It's not just Sookie, but anyone who is the protagonist of any scene. It happens even when the person who is supposedly in the wrong was, in the last scene, supposedly in the right. You will end up sympathizing and agreeing with Sookie, but only when the show doesn't want you to. It is just an endless fucking series of feeling and doing the exact opposite of what the show wants you to do.
It's also boring. I try to rarely use the word "boring" when reviewing a movie or TV show, because so many slow-paced masterpieces are mislabeled as boring simply because people do not have the patience to enjoy them. True Blood is not in that category. It is too boring more often than it should be. You will wait for someone to die, or anything at all to happen, and most of what you'll get is interminable cardboard love dialog for the main characters, and shipper fodder for the supporting ones. I don't care who hooks up with who, or how mesmerizing and beautiful love can be when it's unearned, untested, and ill-advised. I care about a good story being told- something which has not yet been accomplished on this show.
However, if you can ignore all that, and mentally edit out the excruciatingly banal soap opera scenes, True Blood can almost be a somewhat enjoyable show. It's a lot to ask of the audience, however, for such a tiny reward. The viewers should not groan loudly every time the male lead is shown on camera. This is basic stuff here. But several performances- namely Ryan Kwanten as Sookie's sex-addicted, vampire-hating brother, William Sanderson as the level-headed small-town sheriff, and Chris Bauer as the unsung detective trying to piece together a string of murders- almost make the repetitiveness and staleness of the leads worth your time. Almost. Anna Paquin is a talented young actress, and her portrayal of Sookie is dead-on. It's just a shame that the character is written to be so obnoxious and unappealing. Stephen Moyer, on the other hand, looks like he's melting most of the time. Or he's really, really tired. That may also be the writing. He could be an incredible actor, but you wouldn't know, because the character is written and seemingly directed to have the emotional and physical range of a cheap breath mint. Still, I recommend watching at least the first episode before rejecting it entirely. Clearly, there are a lot of people who can't get enough of it, because it's the top-selling TV box set right now. Of course it is.
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